Red Light Naked Shopping Spree – backstage

OMG I get to do a backstage blog just like Cort and Fatboy. Kind of, sort of, maybe technically the same? As we all know, The Red Light had their annual Naked Shopping Spree on Sunday, where I got the lowdown on Hawthorne’s “cool kids on the block”. First off, I would like to present you with a little fact, the folks here have fucking style. When we arrived we were greeted by Erika, who was wearing one of those shirts where you see the frontal of a girl in a bikini. She then escorted us back to the VIP area where we were greeted by pizza, beer, and two more super awesome rad styled employees. The gentlemen was wearing a jean jacket vest and tighty whiteys that made his bulge look like a mountain on the field of his hairy man legs. The girl was wearing a homemade outfit that was a black skirt on the bottom and boobs on the top, complete with pillow button nipples. We knew we were at home here before they said hello, (they had me at hello) bahahaha. The walls in the back room were lined with some of the coolest collectibles including an Ed’s thinking hat, Aaron Carter doll, the portrait of a woman, an accompanying portrait of the back of her head, a crane candy machine filled with Chuck Taylors and penny loafers, some KISS boots, and a can of spotted dick. There were three boxes of delicious pizza and plastic tub filled with Coor’s Light cans and Drifter Pale Ale bottles. In the back of the space there is a bathroom with rules. The rules clearly state a list of about 11 items that are allowed in the bathroom and promptly tells you to remove all items not on the list, and to not put food in the sink. There is a room between the VIP room and the main store which is used as a warehouse/70’s chill zone. In this room you can find fake eyelashes, a coffin, employee bikes, and some racks of clothes. The owner here is pretty chill and even convinced me that there is self help group for squirrels that lose their hair and look like rats. It was somehow connected to a Just For Men joke. Anywho, when it was time we headed out front for the festivities where a band was warming everybody up for the nudity to come. The contestants stripped down in the dressing rooms and waited for the ready, set, GO. Then, out of left field the sole male contestant and his lone winky came running toward us like a scene from 28 Days Later. The girls scattered off into the ladies section. The 3 minutes flew by and the contests were lead up to the stage where they would de-robe while counting the number of items they had put on. Mr. Winky won. He put one fist up in the air and used the other to cup his man parts. Rock on, keep it weird, all that jazz, and hit up The Red Light because they guys are pimps.